With the greatest of respect for both you and your mental health, I think you should seek professional help if you haven't already.
The problem is that the people here are not trained counsellors. It's human nature for people to want to give advice, but in my experience, ill-informed advice can do much more harm than good, and with the best of intentions, that's likely what you'd get here.
You do need to talk to somebody, but we are not the people for this.
Best of luck with it, though.